Memories Of Forever
I think of my sister often, whenever her birthday comes up I think about the fact that I am now older than my older sister. Her death has taught me many lessons in life, most importantly to do the things I love.
I can sometimes hear her laugh in the wind, see her smile in the sun. I feel her when I accomplish something, I feel her sending me her love. Accepting someone no longer being on this earth is a serious battle. It takes time and strength but most importantly it takes honesty. You have to be honest with yourself about never seeing them again. You have to be honest with yourself about never being able to hear or touch them again. Something that would be seemingly obvious was very difficult for me in the beginning.
My sister was in a terrible car accident that killed her immediately. My father didn't want me to view her body at the funeral home because he felt like it would traumatize me. I had to go, if I didn't go then I would have spent the rest of my life believing that maybe she wasn't really dead. I had to see her; and when I did I didn't even cry. I remember thinking about how amazing her eyebrows looked. I remember being annoyed that all of my family members were crying and I remember being hungry. I am one of those people that won't cry if everyone else is. One of those people that cannot be weak when everyone else is giving in to the moment. So I helped pick out her casket, her clothes and read her eulogy at the funeral. It wasn't until they picked her casket up to remove it from the room that I really broke down. That I really allowed myself to acknowledge all that had happened.
8 years later and it's her birthday today, Dec 3rd 2015. She would have be 33 today and I'm sure she would have had something silly to say about how she still looked young. Her son looks just like her and he acts like her as well. He is such a beautiful reminder of my sister and the fact that she even existed. That is something that I catch myself questioning regularly. Was it a dream, did I imagine sharing a room with this person for 18 years of my life? Did I imagine all the phone calls and memories because there is nothing left. I had this entire life and now it's like she never even existed. So what I do everyday and every chance I get, is make her proud. I try to live my life honestly, freely and with peace. I remember her advice and her laughter, her honesty and her smile.
The best thing I can do and I will always do is to keep her legacy alive. My sister accomplished all that she could in her 24 years of living. She set goals, accomplished them and never took no for an answer. She found a way to get what she wanted and to really experience life. She graduated from college, became a mother and got one of her dream jobs. So today and everyday I will remember that life isn't promised, we exist and then we don't. So leave a legacy worth remembering and one that challenges others to do the same.
Happy Birthday big sister. I love you forever.
In memory of RebekahJean Louise Hinton.