Commitment Before Marriage
Parenting isn't something that comes easy. You have to make a conscious effort to be the type of parent/person you desire to be. It's a daily exercise of patience, love, balance and creativity. There are days when everything just seems to run smoothly and others when it all seems to go left. I didn't become the type of parent I am by simply saying I wanted to be a good mother. I consciously created the type of household I live in. Not only that, I consciously create the type of person I want to be on a daily basis.
There are so many stigmas on parenting and relationships that it often clouds honest relationship building. I made an IG post about how I was happy that I had my daughter at my wedding and also that I had her before I got married. I can see how that could leave some people slightly confused especially people that live their lives based on religious or generational expectations. I have never lived my life that way, but I am fully capable of understanding different views. I wanted to clarify my point because I don't want any young girls or boys to think I'm promoting having babies without serious commitment and readiness.
My point is that for me, having a baby is a bigger commitment than marriage. Realistically, you can marry whomever you want, divorce that person and move on with your life. However you cannot have a baby with whoever you want and just get rid of the other person when you get tired of them or their ways. You are forever bound to each other through that child and that is a very serious lifelong decision. Commitment in any relationship should come before you ever decide to procreate or legalize your union. It is something that a person displays to you through their actions and not their words. It is something that creates comfort and peace in your home; not destruction and chaos. You will not have to question, analyze or decide if someone is truly committed to building with you, you will know.
I strongly believe that people do not put enough time into the person they decide to have a child with. There is no such thing as an unplanned child unless you are underage (haven't had sex ed), ignorant or completely barren and magically become pregnant. We all know how children are created, so if you are having unprotected sex with any person, you have a strong possibility of becoming pregnant. When you know that sex creates children and you aren't preventing pregnancy, you are planning to have a child. Whether it be conscious or subconscious, you know the outcome of unprotected sex will either be a child or possibly a disease that could go away or kill you. We have to stop being unrealistic and creating fantasies for things that are extremely basic.
Why is it that people are more willing to have unprotected sex with someone they wouldn't want to have a child with, than they are letting them borrow their car or money. People often put more effort into the people they make business deals with than the people they actually share their bodies with. Does money mean more than human safety, more than a human beings life and sanity? Why are people more careful about where they deposit their funds than they are their sperm or eggs? The value of life has gone down while the value of "things" has gone up in our society.
So when I say I am glad I had a child first, I simply mean I was not interested in spending my money on a wedding. I was very conscious with the man I decided to create a child with. Far before my pregnancy, I was fully aware of his character, spending habits, expectations and beliefs. I was told I could not get pregnant, but I was fully aware it could be a possibility because doctors aren't always correct. So I consciously partnered with someone who shared the same vision as me and had the type of respect for himself that he wouldn't disrespect me or our child.
I want to challenge more people to be conscious of the outcome of their own actions. I wanted to have a healthy family, so I built one with a healthy partner. When I speak of health I mean mentally, physically and spiritually. I didn't walk blindly into bed with a stranger and pray that everything would work itself out. I was very intentional with the person I decided to share my time with let alone my body. He had to feed my mind, spirit and conscious before he could ever touch me physically. So regardless of race, gender, economics or religion, you need to be focusing on someones soul and spirit. If you are dating someone and you can't see this person raising your child, why are you sleeping with them? Why would you want to marry that person? If you are simply sleeping around and expressing your physically liberties as a man or woman. Why aren't you protecting yourself? Pregnancy can be erased, but some diseases are permanent and potentially deadly. So I'm not encouraging anyone to just have a baby before you are in a committed relationship. I'm encouraging people to have self love and appreciation, some self value and understanding of what love really is. I'm not speaking on people who never want to have children and are properly preventing that situation from happening. I speaking on procreating with someone who has not even proven to you that he or she is capable of being a parent and then expecting them to be such. Pregnancy isn't the flu and you can't get it from someone breathing on you. So we can make a conscious effort to procreate with a partner who wants to share this beautiful challenge with you. Someone who intends to help you grow in all areas and who intends to build with you. This doesn't always happen in the same household, sometimes you are better off not living together. What matters is that you both are creating a environment of love and consistency.
You cannot value your money more than your body because money is something that changes depending on the governments needs. Your body is something that is divine, unique and sacred. It's something that belongs to you and you are in complete control of who you allow to invest in the betterment of it. So use the same caution you would use with someone borrowing your bank card, car, clothes and time. Every person is different and these are simply my views, my perspective on life and what I believe works. However if you believe that there is a better way to approach having a child and partner to build your family, you should follow your own path. The reality of life is that not one person has all the answers, so you must act with your conscious and heart. I can tell you one thing I do know for sure; children are not a toy. These cute little babies will grow up to be adults with a negative or positive contribution to this earth. Make sure you are creating babies with people who share the same desire to raise them as you.