Preparing For motherhood, The Fourth Time.

I stopped using my blog because I began writing my script and became a mother of two under two while still having an older child. Being thrust into a new level of motherhood was challenging to balance. I became one of those people who relied on Instagram for all my content. Honestly, it’s just easier at times, especially when you have three kids. Building a business, self-publishing books, and shipping them out is a lot of work. Being able to make money while posting has truly been a blessing. As much as I loved creating content for this blog, it wasn’t paying the bills the way Instagram was. I don’t believe in being a starving artist, you can work on your dreams and equally work to make an income as well. Focusing on my script and creating short-form content was a win-win for me.

Now that I’m having my fourth child, it has become more clear to me that I need to return to myself. It’s interesting how when I had the two girls back to back my focus was more on survival. Going through the motions of motherhood. Cook, teach, love repeat, it was like I was on autopilot just trying to make it through each day. I got pregnant with my fourth child and something just said stop. I was sick for the first five months and my body wouldn’t allow me to push myself anymore. Each day I had to decide what I was going to do with my time when I got out the bed. I didn’t spend much of the day not throwing up, so time was precious.

Each pregnancy seems to have a theme, this one has been rest. This baby has already taught me the importance of choosing peace over perfection. Being pregnant during a pandemic has taught me that health is the number one priority. I would truly like to believe that me saying no and creating boundaries is only setting me up for a life of intention. It can be scary having four children and not reaching career goals yet. What’s even scarier is the idea of me living a life of service to others while not serving myself. I know that the things I create touch the people they are supposed to. One day that may be in surplus, or it may always remain on a smaller scale. Either way, I have to create a life of rest, work, and intention. My daughters deserve a mother who is attentive, who is present, and who values their time and presence. I deserve a life where I am happy fulfilled and creating work that I’m proud of.

I’m grateful this pregnancy has allowed me to understand that putting myself and my peace first is the only way to truly give my children a mother who is capable of loving them all deeply.

written in 2021