There is a misconception that somehow certain people are given the opportunity to be happier than others. There are people born with privilege and the opportunity to advance much quicker than others, but that never means they are happier.
Depression is a real medical condition that affects the chemical balance of your body. Seeking help is often necessary for some to heal. There is no shame in getting help and or speaking out about your feelings.
I went to therapy with my husband before we were married to deal with a lot of misplaced feelings I had. I was in a long term relationship with with my high school boyfriend for 8 years prior to my husband. We broke up 4 months after my sister died in a tragic car accident. I never really dealt with my feelings and kind of continued to just move forward with life. There came a time when I needed to deal with everything that happened and my husband was gracious enough to attend the sessions with me. It helped us both tremendously, we learned better ways to communicate and work together as one.
After I had Azarah I wasn't really feeling like myself. My desire to do most things was lost and I wasn't really sure why I couldn't stay happy. I had to really do some soul searching and try to figure out where these feelings were coming from. I was dealing with some postpartum depression along with major life changes. For me my happiness has never been wrapped up in one single goal, it's always been in the ability to work towards those goals. I find joy in simply being able to create. I thrive on the opportunity to give my all and to create what's in my heart. I never place my joy in how much others receive what I create. I cannot control what people like and dislike, I can only control myself. I've learned a long time ago to focus on my own joy, realizing that everything is momentary. I was feeling overwhelmed now having two children and having less time for myself. I decided to stop worrying about when I would be able to write or work on other projects. The joy in being a new mother and now having two beautiful healthy daughters was my focus. When I let go of what I thought I should be doing and just lived, I began to feel much better. I really had to focus on my current blessings and also understand that I'm not falling behind. My life is not measured against others, there is no scale of comparison. My destiny will be fulfilled at the time and place it is supposed to. So there is no need for me to feel sadness when I perceive that someone has surpassed me, when it was never written that we were on the same path.
When my sister passed away I remember laying on the couch of my apartment crying. I cried myself to self and woke up with the sun shinning on my face. I felt someone standing over me but I couldn't open my eyes. I finally work up ( I had a dream inside a dream) and nothing was there but the sun. This was the day after my sister passed away, I always feel like she came to tell me bye. From that moment on I decided to find joy in the entire situation. I sat around with my friends laughing and remembering her best moments. I helped pick out her casket and the clothes she was buried in. I viewed her body and focused on how well the makeup artist did her eyebrows. I cried the day of the funeral and some nights after, but I was able to find some form of happiness each day.
Over time I've given up the idea that possessing one solid item or person in my life will bring me the joy I need to survive in this world. Knowing I could pass away, my children, my parents and my friends at any moment keeps me grounded. I know that forever is real, but we just don't get to see it. I can't tell anyone how to be happy, but I do know you are in complete control. How you view each situation and the power you give others is up to you. As parents we put that joy in our children, but are so devastated when they misbehave or follow a different path than we wanted. We put that power in our spouses, but are disappointed when they no longer fulfill us or perform in a way that we need to find joy.
Creating boundaries and understanding that you do not have to deal with energy that does not sustain your first step to finding that joy.
That is our greatest mistake in life, putting the responsibility of our own joy on others. No matter what my husband, friends, or children do or don't do, I will be happy. My happiness is a choice I make daily with little and big actions. It does not rely on others and is not controlled by situations, rather by my interpretation.
Some of my best memories are wrapped up in my worst. You can blame the world, or you can take accountability for your own joy. It's all your choice.